alone (1) ;***

Ever wonder what loneliness feels like? What honest to god; true loneliness feels like? It's the most horrible, unimaginable feeling. Imagine yourself sitting in a locked box, in a dark room, in an empty house, in a deserted village in the middle of nowhere with nobody even remotely close by. Can you even begin to imagine the feeling of isolation and loneliness? All of these emotions mixed in with some fear. Now imagine feeling that way among your own family and friends. Imagine all these emotions whilst being amongst your loved ones. What would your life be like? How would you feel? How could you go on living every single day feeling this way?

My name is Hanan.

I'm 23 years old.

I'm alone.

That one single world defines me.

It defines my entire existence.

Please don't judge me until you've heard my story. Hear me out and then judge as much as you want. Just listen first and put yourself in my shoes; try to see things through my eyes.

I'll start at the very beginning.

I'm an only child. Ever since I can remember, I've always gotten what I wanted. Every single thing. I was spoilt in every way possible. Nothing was too expensive. Nothing was impossible. I come from a privileged background where as soon as I thought of something I wanted, it was within my reach.

When I said I wanted a specific toy, I would get the entire collection.

When I said I liked the picture of a pony, I got my very own the next day.

When I decided I wanted to play the piano, I got an open top delivered from abroad within a week.

My childhood was the definition of spoilt.

Growing up with these advantages, my parents started expecting too much of me too quickly. In school, I had to be the smartest. At home, with my relatives, I had to be the prettiest. There was always a pressure on me to be the best.

I was the best.

I was the smartest.

I was the prettiest.

I was everything she wanted me to be.

I worked hard to be what she wanted me to be.

It was easy at first.

Then it became more difficult.

Everything started becoming harder and harder.

But I managed to do everything just as she wanted.

I was the obedient little girl that any mother would be proud to have.

Yet it wasn't enough.

Nothing was ever good enough for mama. To this day, I have never heard a single word of encouragement from her. I could always have done better. I could do with losing that extra pound. If I had just done that thing differently. If I had just gotten that extra mark. In her eyes I was never perfect. I was always working hard for something I would never achieve because she would never be satisfied. Her criticism always made me aim to be a better person and for that I will be eternally grateful; yet an encouraging word would have been appreciated. Just a word, or a compliment. I have never heard a "well done" from her. I'm still waiting for her to say that she's proud of me.

Imagine living in constant pressure to be perfect.

Imagine the pressure.

Imagine the loneliness.

I'm alone.