alone (2) ;***

Happy halloween.
If you're reading let me know what you think. I can tell from the page views that a lot of people are reading so I know you guys are out there. Let people know I'm writing again cuz a lot of the emails on my mailing list are coming back to me. I promise the next one will be a long one. Love you all so very much.
;***




I know she loves me. I know she only does this because she loves me too much and wants me to be the best I can be. I am at an age where I have matured enough to understand this. But no matter how mature you are, no matter how old you are; a compliment would be appreciated every once in a while. I can't help but hope that someday she will change; being the eternal optimist that I am.

Let's talk about something else.

Thinking about my mama and her approval aggravates me.

How about I tell you a little bit more about me.

I've had a privileged upbringing so far. I've never been through any hard times. I've not even had any experiences. I can never say that I've seen everything because I simply haven't. I've had a very sheltered life where my family have provided me with all the necessary means so that I would never need to do anything for myself. Everything is done for  me. I've never had to depend on myself. I've never learnt to become independent.

I was an excellent student, graduated top of my class from high school. Then I went into business school and graduated with first degree honours. I've always enjoyed the arts and wanted to do art or music at university but my parents wanted me to study business so that I would one day take over the family companies as I was their only child. At first I felt under pressure, but with time I enjoyed the classes and I'm looking forward to becoming a successful business woman in the future. I graduated last year and have been working in my father's company since then.

I've never been good at making friends. Most people see me as being stuck up and spoilt. A lot  of people assume that I'm snobby and obnoxious, just because I'm rich. I have many acquaintances but I've never had a best friend. Or a close friend for that matter. Most people don't seem interested, and the interested ones are only so enthusiastic because of my wealth. I've always envied girls that have best friends and sisters. I've always that kind of relationship since I've never had that sort of thing at home.

I guess growing up the way I had, has made me socially awkward. I find it difficult starting conversations and talking to strangers. I have to know people for a while before I can open up to them.

However, that all changed when I met Ahmad.

Let me tell you about this dude.

The dude that changed my life.

My dude.

Do you guys want to know how we met?

alone (1) ;***

Ever wonder what loneliness feels like? What honest to god; true loneliness feels like? It's the most horrible, unimaginable feeling. Imagine yourself sitting in a locked box, in a dark room, in an empty house, in a deserted village in the middle of nowhere with nobody even remotely close by. Can you even begin to imagine the feeling of isolation and loneliness? All of these emotions mixed in with some fear. Now imagine feeling that way among your own family and friends. Imagine all these emotions whilst being amongst your loved ones. What would your life be like? How would you feel? How could you go on living every single day feeling this way?

My name is Hanan.

I'm 23 years old.

I'm alone.

That one single world defines me.

It defines my entire existence.

Please don't judge me until you've heard my story. Hear me out and then judge as much as you want. Just listen first and put yourself in my shoes; try to see things through my eyes.

I'll start at the very beginning.

I'm an only child. Ever since I can remember, I've always gotten what I wanted. Every single thing. I was spoilt in every way possible. Nothing was too expensive. Nothing was impossible. I come from a privileged background where as soon as I thought of something I wanted, it was within my reach.

When I said I wanted a specific toy, I would get the entire collection.

When I said I liked the picture of a pony, I got my very own the next day.

When I decided I wanted to play the piano, I got an open top delivered from abroad within a week.

My childhood was the definition of spoilt.

Growing up with these advantages, my parents started expecting too much of me too quickly. In school, I had to be the smartest. At home, with my relatives, I had to be the prettiest. There was always a pressure on me to be the best.

I was the best.

I was the smartest.

I was the prettiest.

I was everything she wanted me to be.

I worked hard to be what she wanted me to be.

It was easy at first.

Then it became more difficult.

Everything started becoming harder and harder.

But I managed to do everything just as she wanted.

I was the obedient little girl that any mother would be proud to have.

Yet it wasn't enough.

Nothing was ever good enough for mama. To this day, I have never heard a single word of encouragement from her. I could always have done better. I could do with losing that extra pound. If I had just done that thing differently. If I had just gotten that extra mark. In her eyes I was never perfect. I was always working hard for something I would never achieve because she would never be satisfied. Her criticism always made me aim to be a better person and for that I will be eternally grateful; yet an encouraging word would have been appreciated. Just a word, or a compliment. I have never heard a "well done" from her. I'm still waiting for her to say that she's proud of me.

Imagine living in constant pressure to be perfect.

Imagine the pressure.

Imagine the loneliness.

I'm alone.

alone introduction ;***

All people go through pain and heartache at one point or another in their lifetime. My pain is always there; it's chronic. Although, it may seem tedious to most of you readers; you may think me even spoilt. What I go through, has been ongoing, recurrent, repeating itself every day for the past 23 years of my life.

My pain is my loneliness.

The feeling of being alone, at all times.

I feel alone all the time. Even when I'm sitting with my family. Even among my friends, I'm alone. I feel alone surrounded by thousands of people. Being alone freaks the hell out of me. Being alone is the only thing that scares me. It's the one thing that frightens me the most.

The only thing.

That is until I met HIM.

Then, my only fear became the idea of losing him.





I'm so rusty you guys! I haven't written in so long. Be patient with me. I'll try and post as often as I can. Your comments are always welcome. Love you all very much.

;***

missing blogger ;***

You guys!!! Guess what? I think I'm coming back. I miss writing and I miss you guys so so much. When I'm not working I feel so bored; I can't think of doing anything else but this. I've tried coming back a few times but I didn't want to disappoint. Hopefully, this time, I'll be back for good. The other blogs are closed and will remain closed. My personal life is strictly off limits. This blog will be for fictional stories only. I have so many ideas bouncing around at the minute. I promise one of these ideas will make it to a story very soon enshallah. I hope you guys are still around. I hope you still remember 7awoor?! I hope that the new stories will be as memorable as the stories of bandar & 7aneen and all the other characters you have come to love. Please be patient with me and I promise I will deliver. I love you guys very much and miss each and every one of you. I hope you still remember me.

;***